...but I really need to make kickoff!

You picked up who and won by what?...Eagles' D should be great!...it means nothing, but I'm still gonna kick your ass...Graham. Jimmy Graham...Cruzin' for a bruisin'...

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Maurice Morris, Greg Little and Donald Brown were all on the scrap heap very recently.  I added them all.  I got 45.5 out of them in one week.  I'm not a genius, but I clearly know how to use the waiver wire.


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Jason, I'm not gonna say that this week was lost solely due to your ill-advised start of the Eagles' D, but there were four defenses on the waiver wire that would have solved your problem (Titans, Bucs, Rams and Cards).  Did you forget that that they haven't been playing "lights out" football, or that they were going up against New England?  Perfectly good outings by Welker and Harvin, wasted.  Oh, and I'll bet Scott doesn't sit Beanie Wells this week.

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This week's so-what game gave us a royal smackdown by Brian to Senor Simon.  Denarius Moore riding the pine made this look worse than it was.

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Bob kept the dream alive by starting Jimmy Graham over Dustin Keller.  Yours is the first team in my memory that has two TEs worth a damn.  The real reason he beat Nieve was Sidney Rice going down for the season.  Ouch.  He's a keeper, but needs his bell un-rung.

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And then there's the chess match.  The 15-round battle that can only be summed up in pictures, starting with a logo.

Or maybe you'd like this one...

Either way, we all win from a spectator's perspective.  We started with a "shenanigoats" claim by Barak, who managed to land a solid hit by gaining sympathy amongst some of the owners...

...but then Mr. Tennen and Mr. Simon used strategery to sway the voters...

...and ultimately carried the day, using the power of persuasion, and stuff.  My favorite moment came from Nieve, one of the aggrieved, who closed the battle with this handsome quip:  "That gunshot you all just heard was me shooting myself in the head."  I'm not sure anyone could have said anything quite so succinctly.  Regardless, I enjoyed the craziness so much that I bought a memento, to remind me how much fun it was.

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Much Motion In Your Ocean (as of 12:00am, 12/1)

Simon:  22

Brian:  23

Tennen: 17

Russ:   16

Barak:  14

Jason:  13

Bob:    13

Scott:  13

Nieve:  12
Smyth:   2

High Scorin' Mo-Fos

Team: 156.0, Nieve

QB:    47.0, Rodgers (Tennen)

RB:    42.5, Foster (Bob)

WR:    42.0, Welker (Jason)

TE:    27.0, Gronkowski (Russ)

DE:    29.0, Ravens (Russ), Lions (Scott)

PK:    23.0, Seabass (Brian)

Insert Snarky Reference To Silly Pic Here

One top dog earns it...no more winlessness...holy half point!...Tebow + sign of the devil = no...start Delone Carter at your own risk...




The spread on the Tennen-Feinberg game was 18.5, in favor of Eric.  I lost by 19.  The projections were a little off, though.  CJ Spiller was supposed to break out (and I fully believed this).  Demarius Thomas, too.  Both were responsible for my serious loss.  On the flip side, I don't think anyone should rely on the Bengals' D for 20+ points on any week.  Either way, congrats, you earned it.  I'm sinking like a stone here!

The other division leader (by a tiebreaker over me, I might add) couldn't quite make it over the hump.  I'm blaming this one on Ryan Matthews, Barak.  The guy doesn't seem to want to make it through the season without an injury.  And I'm with you playing DeSean Jackson without thought, but that might have been a killer, too.

This week's Skin Of Their Teeth story comes courtesy of Jason, whose whopping half-point victory brings the Mo-Mo's to .500 this year.  This is all due to Nieve leaving Hines Ward active, even though he didn't play (announcement about an hour before game time).  OUCH, NIEVE.  You have too many players to keep, to not either drop an IR guy, or deal one for an able body...unless you're stockpiling and sucking for Luck.

Bob went long (figuratively, obviously not literally) by dumping all other QBs in favor of Mr. Loopy Throw.  Tebow + Jabar Gaffney (6 points) + Texans' D (6 points) + Ryan Longwell (6 points) sentenced him to this week's low point total.  Four regular starters on the bye didn't help, but if you're looking for more consistency this season, give me a holler.  I gots the Fitz.

I'm not sure what to say about Scott's loss, other than when you roll with an Indy RB, you force yourself to roll deep.  As soon as they get behind, it becomes an all-pass-all-the-time show.  The nice thing about Carter is that you have a solid keeper for next year, pending Peyton's return, of course.

Much Motion In Your Ocean (as of late 11/2)

Simon:  18

Brian:  13

Tennen: 12

Russ:   11

Nieve:  11
Jason:  10

Bob:    10

Scott:   9
Barak:   5

Smyth:   2

High Scorin' Mo-Fos

Team: 156.0, Nieve

QB:    47.0, Rodgers (Tennen)

RB:    42.5, Foster (Bob)

WR:    42.0, Welker (Jason)

TE:    24.0, Jimmy Graham (Bob)

DE:    29.0, Ravens (Russ), Lions (Scott)

PK:    20.0, Seabass (Brian), Cundiff (Russ)

Feinberg Talks, Texts, Drives, Fails

And so we all swoon through the bye-means-underperforming middle of the season.  Kinda like this idiot.  How in the world can you even do this?

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Brian stomps Jason, as predicted by ESPN's fantasy line.  Even Mendenhall burning a hole on Jay's bench wouldn't have helped past Scott Chandler's do-nothing day.  Frank Gore had a pretty good day for you, Brian.

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The dreaded "100% upset" (that is, an inverse result based on the ESPN fantasy line) hit Mr. Simon, who remains rough and toothless (as opposed to tough and ruthless) in our league.  I think the biggest surprise was Victor Cruz's big empty.  Revis's pick-6 didn't help you much, either.

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Yeah, I started Sims-Walker.  Yeah, I started Felix Jones over Earnest Graham.  Yeah, I'm still relying on Manningham to contribute.  Yeah, I lost.

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The Bullies continue to storm the nation, this time running over Nieve's lifting team.  The difference here were the WRs - 30 points sounds "eh", but compared to 18.5, you know you've got something good going.

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In the Battle of Eric, Tennen laid the smack down on Smyth, to the surprise of no one.  To this injury, Smyth added the insult of Pierre Thomas, who settled in with a negative half-point.  This may be a record - I don't remember anyone ever starting a position player who came up less than empty.  I can only wonder if that tie from early on is going to hurt your playoff hopes, Tennen.

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Much Motion In Your Ocean (as of late 10/20)

Simon:  17

Brian:  10

Russ:    9 

Jason:   8

Tennen:  7

Bob:     7

Scott:   5
Nieve:   3

Barak:   2

Smyth:   0 (seriously?)

High Scorin' Mo-Fos

Team: 156.0, Nieve

QB:    47.0, Aaron Rodgers (Tennen)

RB:    31.0, Beanie Wells (Scott), Ahmad Bradshaw (Scott)

WR:    42.0, Welker (Jason)

TE:    24.0, Jimmy Graham (Bob)

DE:    29.0, Ravens (Russ)

PK:    20.0, Seabass (Brian), Cundiff (Russ)

Feinberg Confuses Simon With Odd Menu

Oh, but it's so sweet, the victory that keeps me without a loss...Katz gets just. that. close...Bullies crush cartoon mechanized monsters...lift, dammit, lift!...Namath criticizes the Jets, Suzie, Bob, and the cast of Gilligan's Island...


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Okay, so I had a little email exchange with Mike over the weekend that went something like this:

Oh, so you finally picked up a D.  The Bengals?

Yeah, but remember:  this season, I have much better luck than you do.

Ugh, the Bengals' D just scored a garbage TD.  They suck, and I hate you more than burnt toast.

Uh, perhaps you should blame Denarius Moore, and not my insurance points.  You have less luck than the longest-necked chicken at dinnertime on the farm.

No really.  It really was kinda like that.  Without the snarkiness.

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So, picture this:  you're Tennen, and you're favored by 25.5 points.  You think nothing of going against Scott, who has a fancy Tom Brady and is 4-0.  Then Mike Wallace has a good day.  And then in the late games, Mason Crosby has a big day, 4-for-4 with a long one.  And going into Monday night, the Lions' D just has to have a pretty good day to pull off the statistical upset.  And...and...and...guh.  A sack would have done it.  Soooooooo close.

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It's tough to say that you need to start Malcolm Floyd and Pierre Thomas over Eric Decker and Darren McFadden to win, but...well, Floyd might have been a little more obvious, maybe, if you squinted at it a lot...but Barak has a decent team.  Boldin on the bye hurts.  Still, you're 3-2 now, Eric, which ain't exactly bad.  Barak, your face-off with Nieve this coming weekend will be a little more challenging.

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Speaking of which...talk about your non-verbal response to my teasing you last week, Nieve.  Let's just say that I hope you didn't peak too quickly this season, but no matter what, that was one hell of a fantasy performance.  Five players above 20.  Five!

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In another case of being taunted turning into a decision, Bob started Mrs. Garrett Blount over Marshawn Lynch, and while no one could have forseen the difference being in this direction between these two (for the record, I know two guys who are out of a suicide pool for picking the Giants), it mostly turned the molehill into a mountain for you.  Oh, and if you run into him, please tell Namath that I think he's a f@$!ing &%$hole for mouthing off when its clear that he needs to move from assisted living to full-time care.  If I had my pants pulled up to my chin, I'd be ashamed to leave the house, and this guy's giving interviews like a tornado survivor in Kansas.  And if you want a decent D, shoot me an email, I have one to sell, for a modest upgrade elsewhere.

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Much Motion In Your Ocean

Simon:  10 (congratulations, next time you'll pay)

Tennen:  6

Russ:    5

Brian:   5

Jason:   4

Scott:   4

Bob:     4

Nieve:   2

Barak:   2

Smyth:   0 (seriously?)

High Scorin' Mo-Fos

Team: 156.0, Nieve

QB:    47.0, Aaron Rodgers (Tennen)

RB:    31.0, Beanie Wells (Scott)

WR:    42.0, Welker (Jason)

TE:    24.0, Jimmy Graham (Bob)

DE:    29.0, Ravens (Russ)

PK:    20.0, Seabass (Brian)

Terry Tate says, "Shape up, suckers!"

The papery-est tiger in the land, busted, Broadway Joe bullies successfully, and the Terry Tate sneers at the unholy lifting of the cellar.

Sure, let’s start with the one guy everyone loves to sneer at...me.  Forget for a moment that you have to get to two-losses in the Patriot Division to find a team with fewer points-for.  Look no further than the Sentinels in second place behind a team that they’re clearly better than (on paper).  A few favorable matchups, some timely (or untimely, depending on your perspective) injuries, and a few helpful waiver wire pickups have put me at 4-0 for the first time since LaDainian Tomlinson really mattered.  (I’m guessing at that one, but I do seem to remember winning a lot back then.)  And I did it on the backs of the same guys that were crushing my beloved Jets.  Oh, the agony.  During a regular weekend (hopefully meaning “a weekend you’re not facing me”), Finley and Wayne will do better for you, Eric.

Meanwhile, the BMOs were favored by 28.5 in a matchup they were supposed to win in a walk.  And with Stafford, Calvin Johnson and Nicks, it should have been...and then Frank Gore goes and shows people what he is (uh, used to be) made of.  And then, the Mike Simon gets his groove on.  Cam Newton thrills.  Matt Bryant pulled a double-triple (that’s 3-for-3 on XPs and FGs, folks).  Fred Jackson crosses the stripe for the fourth week.  And...well, David Nelson got silenced by Cincy.  Not that you could have necessarily guessed, Mike, but starting David Nelson (which looked sure-fire to me, man) turned out to be worse than Mike Thomas.  Ugh.

Suzie Kolber’s sons heard the call, and got off the schneid this week, with all pistons firing in the direction of a bunch of guys who hang around on street corners late at night.  When you can say that you sat Blount and you only sacrificed 5 points, you must be doing something right.  Barak really only got let down by the Steelers’ D, but they would have had to score and dominate to really have made the difference here.

Which brings us to the bottom of the Patriot Division.  Both Jason’s and Nieve’s squads laid eggs this past weekend, losing by more than 50 points each.  Nieve, you’ll know better in the future that the Curtis Painter will know how to deliver the ball to Indy’s WRs, so your score will look more respectable.  Jason, I’d like to think that the Steelers’ O-line will figure out how to keep Big Ben from getting mauled, and I do hope that the guy’s foot is okay, but when you go up against a guy starting Aaron Rodgers and Matt Forte, you’re going to have to hope for heavy rain.

High Scorin' Mo-Fos

Team: 142.5, Tennen

QB:    47.0, Aaron Rodgers (Tennen)

RB:    31.0, Beanie Wells (Scott)

WR:    42.0, Welker (Jason)

TE:    24.0, Jimmy Graham (Bob)

DE:    29.0, Ravens (Russ)

PK:    17.0, Jason Hansen (Tennen)

Feinberg Whiffs

Sorry, all.  A series of weird work days and the Jewish holidays (hag sameach, to all you tribespeople) kept me from doing a post this week.  I'll be back in action next week.  -Russ

Bob Sits Britt, Blount, Becomes Chucky The Pirate

This week couldn't be more different than last.  Week One saw torrents of scoring and blowouts; Week Two saw mostly grueling chess matches and missed opportunities.

None was so missed than that of The Sons, who sat their own version of the killer bees (that'd be Bradford, Blount and Britt) and instead played Matt Ryan, Arian Foster and Mike Williams.  The QBs were basically a wash, but Foster was a known half-scratch, and Williams, who is usually dependable, was covered in a purple-and-horned blanket, and lost out on a touchdown due to a penalty.  Bad luck, and our first tie.  You just can't get closer than that.

Running up for closest game was Sergeant Hightower busting the Union.  There's no way anyone could think that Jamaal Charles would go down that hard, and for the season yet, and that was clearly the game changer.  One point.

Less than 16 points separated The Ites and The BMOs, and there wasn't a thing Brian could have done about it, even if he'd gone against the (seriously heavy) odds and played Stafford over Vick.  Of course, if you take a look at his roster, it's the walking wounded:  eight guys on the injury report.  Serious ouchies.

Scott's 17.5 win over Barak was another weird one to watch, with A.J. Green blowing off the doors of fellow Bully DeSean Jackson.  Seriously though, Barak, you played Davone Bess over Deion Branch?  Anyway, with Brady, Mike Wallace and the Lions' D, the thunder was a'roarin'.  You didn't even need that TE to contribute.

Which leaves us with the biggest win of the weekend, as Smyth dealt the death blow to a bunch of guys who apparently can't lift anything as a team.  25.5 points should be enough of a message to play Jahvid Best whenever you can, but your WRs just couldn't find a football coming their way if they bought one at Sports Authority.  8-5 should start to pay a few dividends, but I think you're looking trade some time soon.

High Scorin' Mo-Fos

Team: 142.5, Tennen

QB:    37.0, Tom Brady (Scott)

RB:    30.5, Mike Tolbert (Brian)

WR:    36.5, Miles Austin (Mike S.)

TE:    22.0, Gronkowski (Russ)

DE:    22.0, Ravens (Russ)

PK:    13.0, Seabass (Brian), Folk (Bob)